Another trip ... A further tightening in the heart ...

Oh man, I like what I tell it so different ...

I am now without lying next to my beautiful ... Beyond the wall I have in my back, my father slept and my mother ... Understand?

However talk to more than anything in my messenger again and rebut the facts and feelings that cause we are not together tonight, and the truth is that there is no progress in this field.

But inside me there is something that changes, I feel you ... When you love someone, this "fight" between the mother and the beautiful, love these two as equal and so different, wanting and not wanting this, there is almost lead me crazy ... Today in the afternoon, while I and my mother were in the room, so close and alone (which will be rare in recent years), I felt what we hurt the heart: not able to be ourselves and talk and do what we like ... I do this almost all the time with my beautiful and with my friends, and now, with it, I can not do ... I share both with her the beautiful moments I have lived and what makes me to be very happy ... But I can not ...!

I am increasingly tired of this ... I think the fair is beautiful "away" to give rise to any family and it seems that every day, I a step towards a cliff that I oblige or to stop or skip ... 

GGGRRRRRRR .... Heard yesterday about this, in "Short Conversations" Women of SIC in an interview with the psychologist who is the same station a program together with José Machado Vaz and the unconditional fan I am, saying that she had chosen as their area of research led to the fact that homophobia ... Said that she did not understand, so have decided to deepen the theme, how could a thing so insignificant in the lives of people, or the sex of the person we love, create feelings so strange and incomprehensible ...

But well, it was just a situation that increasingly less and I repeat that increasingly leads me to think that my dream may never come to be held ...

But as hope is the last to die ....

Sometimes it is not easy ...

I have always tried, as part of my personality, forward positive ideas and facts in a way that does not think that being gay is synonymous with pain and poor thing ... I have tried ... But it is not always easy ... This weekend that ends today, is marked more by a choice of my parents, who left me sad and disappointed ... They could spend the weekend at my house, since it compulsory to have come to Lisbon for a consultation, but according to my father, could not due to a supposed meeting ... But in returning home to the alleged meeting, changed the course (do not know if it was already planned or not) and have been with my brother where did the weekend go ... If sometimes we can easily circumvent a situation and find excuses to mask a reality that we do not want, in this case in particular there is no way hide or disguise ... It was a clear choice for not being with me ... I bet that my father was the idiot who got the solution ... I bet my mom will be with remorse for having followed the idea ... I bet that if I was willing to take some more drastic actions, that will come to a certainty ... After that, I think I did what was in my power to adapt the idea to prepare for and they take this new reality, and therefore can not continue to be the boy understood that so far has done everything so that relations family were and continue to be a good reality ... Go with this, go to attack, to fight back, and ask the other what they require of me. Enough of hypocrisy ... Either to accept or not accept, and if I think moving from one state to another can take some, do not accept that it is permanently in passage of state ... I just have to conclude that those who pretend to accept until now, have to accept, to me, my relationship with my beautiful and consistent, because for some time now since we are one and we are not "separable". Who has not accepted, as well, do the favor of being happy because surely I will do the same!

More gays is better!?

It is inevitable that it goes from mouth to mouth, and as reviewed and widely circulated on the internet here ... The alleged homosexuality of José Sócrates has given rise to several reactions ... I note today that both commentators and the media are beginning to address openly and frankly what it is today a reality, or the rumor about alleged homosexuality ... I think, and strengthen the idea that Portugal has recently had some excuses, good or bad, to speak more openly about homosexuality ... Even yesterday, a news, I say to a fishmonger Francisco Dishes "What is Pedro Santana Lopes against homosexuals?! He who speaks of what matters and who does not let anyone hurt the ...". It may seem ridiculous to mention that this comment, but I found it very interesting, coming from those who came and shows, I think, that it begins to few to be treated with natural ... But well, this article is to talk about something else ... Of the comments that appear in this and other blogs about homosexuals, which repeatedly refers to us, gay, suffered a mass hysteria, wanting and trying to find a gay in every corner ... I do not think at all that these comments are devoid of meaning ... I myself sometimes fall in the temptation to point out and comment on others, pointing them (in the right direction of course!) As being gay ... Why this temptation? I just think an explanation, we want to be more, to be increasingly common, and can increasingly be ourselves ... Obviously the fact that José Sócrates be gay or not will not be dominant in its action as Prime Minister, but I believe that like me, many gays, and no commitments made, look to him as a hope to be able to show the country that sexual orientation of each is the least interested, and that the value of people has nothing to do with it ...

I hope for a day ...

... Have in my hand the two people who love this life: my mother and my beautiful! I think many times that day, like so many times that day, and I so much strength for that day happens, that I can only believe that day will happen ... Sooner or later, happy to have both my hand ... Because there is no reason why it does not, or better, the reason that supposedly happened, will one day be there, eliminating the implacability of time ... There are things that lose meaning over time, and that the win ... I now only makes sense that day arrives ...

I lost someone ...

There are people in our lives, we make, positive or negative, it is true ... I wanted someone that my grandmother left the world of the living and to join the section of my memories ... She was a grandmother excellent, fantastic, but it was my grandmother ... It was with her I learned how to be humble and simple ... She took me to the garden walk many times and taught me to water the vegetables, taking water from the well, the "drive" the cart ... The dream for her grandchildren, and we were married ... She left without knowing my reality, a reality that surely she would not understand ... In its 94 years of life, it has never crossed the mind the existence of this reality ... I thought by me and not smart in arming and "force it" to consider the perspective of life ... And I think I did well! Funny this life ... That she has always tried to please me with a notinha, or with chocolate, just for the last time we talked about - she was already very poor - I say "I am with a heavy heart ...". I went to the children saying that it, and then realized that this phrase would simply say "Give me a chocolate !"... Obviously I would be happy for you sweeten the mouth ... She ate, looked at me fixedly and said "There is more ?"... I smile, and called it a "greedy !"... She outlined a smile malandreco ... The roles of the drama that is life, had been reversed ... A smile that would ultimately prove to be the last I had the pleasure of witnessing! Said the priest in the funeral that "This ceremony makes sense only because we believe that death is not the end but the beginning of eternal happiness. I think this time it is better that we all ..." I also want to believe ... Goodbye Grandma, and even a day!

And if she suddenly ask ...?

The big question, of what the answer if my niece discuss the matter with me ... She actually has not yet old enough to understand such things (I think) with its 6 years, but the truth is that the last time we talked on the phone asked me if _______ was me ... I answered that yes, and she said "He 's always with you ... My friends are always with me ...". How should I imagine preplexo with the conversation, and now I ask many times before as if it would be a deal on the subject, now I am even more certain that this day will cehgar, and maybe is not as far as I thought .. . Now the question is what to say and what to do, take or not take, do not omit or omit, lying or not lying ... I think it's one of the most sensitive and that sincerely not yet discovered the best to deal with it ...

And how do with the grandparents?

Well, in my opinion it should take our homosexuality no longer think the same for our grandparents ... Obviously, and as all cases (friends, parents, uncles, brothers ...) very much depends on temperament, education and cultural level of people to our acceptance of homosexuality, but I think in general our grandparents in addition to being at a level Age has a higher cultural level and education very much reduced and a closed mind ... And I wonder, shall we be confronted them with a reality that could leave (I do not want to say that may be different) sad, disappointed and even injured? I think not! The view them Clearly it would not change anything in our life, but the fact that they say could change something in their life ... Not wishing to retrograde opinion, I think in most cases must let them know without a doubt or in the air ...

Always the prejudices ...

I spoke about the various prejudices that still abound in relation to us, gay, but sometimes I show any bias for certain gay ... I mean ladies and gentlemen of all ages, people over 60 years ... When I see some at night, do me some confusion ... I think this is due to several factors, among them, not being used (I at least) to see older people in some places and then imagine the preversidade these people ... I think it's just a prejudice that I have to overcome, and I try, when I cross with one of these people, imagine that in one hundred years I will be there, or elsewhere, with next to my beautiful and want to ensure that "kids" do not have this kind of idea about me ... Anyway ...

Holidays and Exchanges

For those who do not know, there is space on the Internet where you can leave a contact for a possible exchange of houses / flats to stay on holiday abroad ... Me and my beautiful that very soon we will travel, take the initiative to let our contact, and we are really interested in doing emerged an exchange ... Most couples are gay ... Soon after the first proposal and I got a nice little in doubt of what the next step to take ... Obviously we can not go to somebody's house without having minimal information ... But then how should we proceed? Well, in response asking photos ... But it is always the feeling and the uncertainty of what the intent of who is on the side of there ... Maybe it was a good way to meet new people and in accordance with guidelines to guide the destiny ... It was also a cheaper solution ... But, after thinking about, or at the time we would have to be to sell our house, we stand back and give the idea .. Someone has already done?

Parents tell: YES or NO? (Part 10)

It was then decided that it would have to tell my parents of the existence of the "beautiful", perhaps sooner than thought ... It was followed by a time so calm, with no major revelations ... I continued to tell friends and friends should understand that count, I continued to receive normal reactions (ie, accepted naturally), and the days, months went by ... However, in a beautiful the weekend came a complicated situation and predictable, my parents decided to come spend the weekend in my house ... The "beautiful" would be off this very weekend, and obviously did not want to waste that time without him ... It was then that I took another position, which gave a step further, denying the call of my godmother for a dinner with the whole family ... Obviously the invitation does not include the "beautiful" ... Questioned by my mother about my presence in that dinner, answered him: "Do not I go ... I will stay with the _____ you pretend does not exist. Everyone knows that I have someone by my side, and he deserves your respect. For that I will stay with him and I will not dine ..."... My mother was quiet, did not expect this reaction and replied: "... Okay, you know ... And there can always be at your house?", It said "Sure!". She continued: "Okay, then stayed in your house, but tell me something, the _______ will be there ?"... Of course I like answering something like "Yes, of course, I will submit it to you ...!", but unfortunately things are not so, and then answered" No, it will be ... I do not want you forcing him to know, just want the respect and know that I have someone .. ". I think at that moment she was more relieved, and continued saying "Okay, now there is only one more thing, your father does not want to sleep in your room, sleep in the office, you can be?". How should imagine I was surprised by this attitude, but the least of evil, that I was equal me sleep in a place or the other, but I think that the thinking of my father when looking at my bed ... Then came the day dinner (Saturday), and I had already decided what they would do ... (Continued)

Parents tell: YES or NO? (Part 9)

Well ... Things have calmed down day by day, with my father to drop by land intend to take me to the doctor for me to "cure" my illness ... My mother started internally to "swallow" little by little the idea ... It is this apparent calm that comes with my beautiful new data for this story, trying to push me to tell my parents right away that he was there, and also pressing me to stop making regular family visits, being doing to let it "normally" in a corner ... For me it was obvious that was not what was happening, I wanted to tell anything much to my parents, but I thought that this process needs time and calm ... I refuse to count, and reduce my visits to the land, not to leave the beautiful so often alone and let him think that was by the side of ... But even so beautiful I wanted more, wanted me to the accounts to avoid having to "hide in the closet" ... On the one hand I understand his insecurity and his feeling, but I decided to take things as I thought it should be done ... But the increasing pressure cute ...

Parents tell: YES or NO? (Part 8)

But my cousin helped me this task, because my availability in the short term was very little to tell to my godmother ... And behold, my phone rings ... On display appeared "Godmother" ... Well, then served with jumps to the heart: "Hello godmother !"... She said .. The voice seemed very natural to me ... Invited me to go home to dinner, but I said 'Godmother, will not, it is difficult to go there ...". She, instead of understanding that the reason was my limited mobility, it (or wanted to believe) that in fact the complex was due to go new situation that emerged ... She said: "My son, do not want to leave the house to come ... We are here to support you ... You have to understand the reaction of your parents." How should imagine I was very happy and relieved and mark a lunch! ... Then enter my lindo ("lindo" is the name i call to my boyfriend, in english it means "beautifull")...

Parents tell: YES or NO? (Part 7)

True, the events that followed the day they decided to tell my parents, the vast majority were a pleasant surprise for me ... The truth is that my mother and my father were destroçados with novelty, and pleaded to me that they had never passed such a thing by the head, including my brother, who unlike what I expected, also never had this last chance the head ... Then came the attempts of me "cure" the disease and others to understand and accept this new reality ... My father who was tried at all costs change me, so it turned to my cousin (who did not even knew I had already counted them), with a voice that passed distress, saying she talk to me and make me change of ideas because they were not endure more ... My cousin, scared, called me immediately to find out what had really passed ... Counted ... Mark a lunch for him the transmit promenores ... Lunch ... It was the moment to say a few more people in the family, at least, my Mom can have someone to trust, with whom he could unburden and comment on the matter ... I was forced, before he had planned, tell my godmother, my sister's Mãe. .. E. .. (Continued)

Parents tell: YES or NO? (Part 6)

Well .. in fact the doubt of my sister came after proving to be more problematic than I would think, because innocent people, she sent to my brother and my parents the same question ... But not only plus to this doubt joined by a history of the past in which a male member of the family, even minor, appeared some female traits which led the family to consult an endocrinologist who supposedly would have taken some medicines which rescued the boy to be gay ... Anyway ... Obviously the doubt with this story created in their head the assumption that after all I only could be suffering from a curable disease ... This created great confusion, because now have to try to put them in addition to head them that I was gay also prove to them that it was not sick ... Well this second was easy to dispel because predespus me to go to a doctor on condition that they go with me ... They found good idea, but the truth is that over time they abandoned this idea ... Regarding by them in the head that I was gay was not so easy ... The days that followed the "announcement" was full of surprises and attempts to make me change your mind .... (Continua. ..)

ADOPTION (Part 2)

It is with great distress that I read the news today in a day of TSF, the statements by the chairman of the Monitoring Committee of the Law on the Adoption Portuguese, Luis Villas-Boas, who sayed the words: "better a child spend a lifetime in a institution or in the host families than go through the 'misfortune to be cared for by homosexuals, are two or a'. " These statements are so unhappy and so down that the best thing to do would be ignore them ... But I can not, they are (like it or not) the mirror of the majority of its population ... I guess we should meditate on this ... I weighted (and will continue to consider) the adoption of a child, just for the simple reason of wanting to give a child the opportunity to be truly loved by someone and honey, and have all the conditions to be happy and polite ... I am absolutely sure that this jerk who said these words, it should have educated the person (s) your (s) children should take "speedy" that task to his partner ... Do not know maybe change a diaper, tucking the child before bed ... I don 'know it all and do not know that I want to learn! I believe in my abilities to be a real father or mother, and not ignorant of these admit that they put my faculties concerned. This revolt me! This kind of people (supposedly educated), should be ashamed of sometimes open the mouth to say such things ... I would love that this man had only one child, and that he is gay ... I would then see what was your opinion. I bet you would have to swallow all these unfortunate words ... Not usually hate anyone, but I feel like this you want to, and not just because of being against the happiness of many children in our country. Finally, the ignorance alive!

Parents tell: YES or NO? (Part 5)

Hey, it was an exciting moment, almost cried to hear my brother saying: "I Sandra and we are yours, we support you ... you can count on us, but you must understand that is not an easy situation ...". It was beautiful, unexpected and very striking to me, listen to the mouth of my brother (who thinks a true male) those words ... How should imagine forces won so I think that maybe after all would not be alone in this struggle, contrary to what I sometimes unwittingly passed by the head ... Then passed the phone to my sister and she uttered the same words ... I was overjoyed ... But now qa my sister tells me: "But that was all of a sudden? This is not treatment?". My brother has little more than thirty years ... Not normally thought that question ... But this came fuvida proving to be more problematic than might appear at first sight ...

Parents tell: YES or NO? (Part 4)

I confess to see my father screaming and crying like a baby desalmadente, I broke his heart ... It was for me a scene unthinkable and unprecedented until that moment ... But ready, grabbed the bags and came back home, here in lx, leaving behind a sea of uncertainty ... Do we still would go home to my parents? Will be able to go back to my holy land !?... Many questions, a lot of sadness, a lot of emotion ... But good, in return my father call me to the phone, asking me to please change your mind because it insisted would eventually killing them ... It costs a lot to hear this, but we have reason to know and see that it was beginning very moment, a set of emotional blackmail with the aim of changing the course of my life ... Obviously for me it was not even called into question, the decision was taken, and now was grab the bull by side and see what happens ... and the surprises started to happen ... I came home, and get a phone call from my brother. Cumprimentamo us, we speak in sound, he apparently still does not know ... but at the very moment that he would shut down, he said: "I know the news." Pimbas, fell to me at that moment ... V. I was afraid of his reaction ...

Parents tell: YES or NO? (Part 3)

Yeah, sorry the delay but my life is a stirring ... Well as I said ... The worst was still to come ... My mother besides have been disappointed in shock and fear that someone grounded in the village knew, it was also very concerned about the reaction that my father could have ... Then combine it prepare the ground during the week so I then personally tell you everything at once (this on a Saturday) ... I (and being honest) was relieved to have a couple more days of supposed calm, although I had broken my heart to see my mother suffer with this whole situation ... But now that my mother on Sunday before lunch sorrateiramente tells me to tell me to my father's time for lunch ... I was in panic ... But there was no exit, and the end of the meal to ask my father to stay a little longer because the table was a matter for serious talk with him ... He was a little scared and started to throw suggestions of what could be "... I know, she becomes pregnant despite a woman ..." "... I know, she is married ..." . Anyway, all this has deteriorated a bit by bit, until I told him I was gay ... He was stopped, looking at me and asked "Are you trying to tell me you do not like women? Like you can not make a woman happy?" He stood up and went to glance in the direction of the kitchen room and unleashed the screaming and crying saying that he would rather die than have to go through this shame ... Cry, cry, and then decided to come to my house but not to hear some unpleasant things well ... I knew that with time things would calm down ... I barely knew what was to follow ...

Parents tell: YES or NO? (Part 2)

Well .. the first to tell it was my mother, alone ... I told her I had something very important and serious to talk to her ... She received with a big smile saying "Do not tell me who already get girlfriend ...?!"... This made the statement even more complicated ... Cost much know what I would say it would leave it completely to its knees and disappointed ... He was also afraid that she blames herself for her own, understand that I am gay, is due to a poor education ... But ready, even had to say and could not flee me more time in silence ... Counted ... She was preplexa without words ... I asked her if she was to realize what I was trying to tell her ... She replied: "I think q yes ... more like men than for women? That's ?!"... I answered that yes, this was it, and that was not an option mine, but I was anyway, since small, that men attract me ... I have walked many years to say no to myself, but it was a fact that I liked men ... And yet there are no facts or arguments ways to change that ... And I knew that from that hour would change much ... But the hardest was yet to come .....

Parents tell: YES or NO? (Part I)

In my case was perhaps the biggest question that I came up in the head, then I've made myself as gay before ... My parents are not too many conservatives, but living in a village in the interior, which in itself, and for more goodwill which are already not helpful! I tried to read some books, talked to my beautiful about it, talked with friends and finally decided: "I will!" I did not know either when or how, but I knew that sooner or later would tell them that the child they both love and to which both take pride, and it appeared an endless number of times with a few friends (and they always one would think that my girlfriend was GAY ...), after all, man, pussy, finally, gay! Obviously, the reaction would not be good, because this hypothesis had never even been considered, neither for me nor for all that surrounded me ... And counted one day, when least expected dump everything out here ..